• “Rectal archaeology…very nice.” 
• “I mean, fat I can handle, but this?!” 
• “There’s still no word on the Dartmouth application?” “Obviously not!”
• This is exactly how a letter from Dartmouth was typed up: “Dear Zachary Syler, CONGRATULATIONS! WELCOME TO DARTMOUTH!!!!” (Dartmouth admissions is staffed by 14 year olds on AIM)
• “I’m sorry sir, have you made your decision?” “Yes. Super size my balls.” 
• FPJ on stage with the Hackensack: “HACK-E-SACK. HACK-E-SACK. BOUNCE! BOUNCE! GOTTA KEEP BOUNCING. CAN’T LET IT DROP. NEVER LET IT DROP. C’MON ZACH!” 
• “I was busy.” “Yeah. Busy wiggin’.” “I did not wig!” “There was major wigging.”
• “What are you doing?” “I’m getting ready to play some sega.”
• Black guy named “Preston”
• “Hey, now check out the bobos on Superfreak!” 
• “Blaming me isn’t going to change the fact that the future is gonna happen-whether you like it or not.” -Otter, from Animal House, in one of his 3 speaking lines in the film. God help us all. 

• Uniforms (official and unofficial)
• Mustard yellow
• Humorously dramatic smash zooms
• Melancholy Bill Murray
• Dark, heavy eye makeup
• Youthful malaise
• People standing very straight
• Graphic traces featuring the Wes Anderson signature font
• Mostly silent peripheral characters with silly names
• Fictionalized maps
• Two characters standing across from each other, staring directly into one another’s eyes and not speaking or moving at all
• Obscure French pop music 
• Visually interesting children’s theater 
• Dolphins

(That last one was an assumption) 

• Extensive close-up shots of needles being inserted to people’s veins. Camera stays on said needle/vein for upwards of three minutes. 
• “Last night, tonight, what difference does it make? I’m fucked up.” “Fucked up, fucked up, you ARE a fuck up!”
• mousy lady boobs
• “Just don’t fucking die in here! That’s all I care about!”
• Al Pacino overdoses on his wedding night but manages to make himself puke into a dirty toilet to make it all better.
• “Now listen. Just don’t fuck up. I need to steal this truck tonight!”
• interracial, all-male group shower. BUTTS!!!
• A baby makes direct eye contact with the camera (this is mentioned not so much because I’m surprised it happens in a PG movie but because it scares me and makes me more uncomfortable than all the drugs)

The seventies were not that cool guys. It’s not worth it. Although I would like to have been into The Rolling Stones when they were in their prime. 

I am joyfully looking through pictures of celebrities trying to look extra French at Cannes right now, and there is always one surprise who pops up. Like, Cannes is a classy place. Marion Cotillard is there, wearing a sock in her hair to make it look extra big and extra French and then wrapping Chopard diamonds around it because DUH. So when I see a celebrity that is anything BUT classy and clearly is NOT covered in free Chopard diamonds, I have to pause, wonder what the hell he/she is doing at Cannes, and then accept it and move on.

I’m still stuck on last year, when Lindsey Lohan stumbled around the red carpet and probably just narrowly avoided falling into the French Riviera (or is that not the name of the body of water they’re always in front of? I don’t know these things. I’m not French.) This year, I’m confused as to why Jada Pinkett Smith is posing her ass off there when all she’s been doing lately is standing around by Will while he promotes MIB3, both of them trying to look as un-Scientolog-y as they can. 

Anyway, here’s a list of people who will probably never show up at Cannes. Probably. 

• Frankie Muniz
• DJ Lance from Yo Gabba Gabba
• Ke$ha
• EL James, the lady who wrote 50 Shades of Grey
• Judge Joe Brown
• Melissa Joan Hart
• Michael Bay or any of his movies
• My Grandpa (he’s dead)

Hope that helps. 

Listen, there’s nothing I hate more about Teach for America than our constant need to pat ourselves and each other on the back for every little “victory” in the classroom. Like…I don’t need everybody to know how many of my kids are growing in reading level or how many of them are writing amazing essays or how much my kids love me (fyi though… it’s A LOT.) I find it super annoying when teachers feel the need to pump themselves up in front of other people who are…real talk…struggling just as much as the rest of us by bragging about what’s happening in dat room. I would much rather just tell funny stories about Pharoah and pork chops and call it a day. 

But. 

I must share an essay that one of the kiddos wrote last week while practicing comparative essays. It’s pretty damn cute, and it sums up how I feel about the lil nuggets and I don’t want to forget it in ten years when I show my husband John Corbett this blog and we laugh together about my past when I was just a “regular” person (meaning not famous and/or not married to a famous person.) Take it away, Arianna. 

Have you ever had a teacher that’s as goofy as you are? I have a teacher that is as goofy as I am and her name is Ms. LeRose the most rockin’ teacher in the world! Me and Ms. LeRose are so much alike. First, we both absolutely adore cats (so adoreable). Next, we love making people HA HA laugh. Finally, we are both totally AWESOME! But, we are different in some ways. 

First, Ms. LeRose is old and I’m young. Next, she is a teacher and I’m her student. Finally she has 1 bro and I have 6 bros. 

Even though Ms. LeRose and I are different and alike she is still the best teacher ever!

Yeah. You cute.